vacation

You said you were

Overwhelmed by Havana.

I sat in sweat, unable to leave bed,

Shaking from dystopic visions

Of life where there was no fullness

Turning my smartphone over

And over in my hands

Trying to find somebody who would

Let me leave this place and get to you

Or get anywhere you said you were

Done so many times holding off on loving me,

Leaving me back in the deepwater going

Further.

Today I ran from table to table

In a dirty shirt trying to keep an eye

On the American bar where Josiah was trying to hide

From the fact that there is someone that spits

In his face everyday, and everyday he smiles

Another day clicks on the counter of who he does not want to be

And it is the same for me, tray of $15 cocktails crusted in unsalted butter

And sour jam in hand trying not to show anger

That another day of fighting in the open,

Wearing what you believe and feel with comrades,

The fast, I will have to miss, have to shadow

And knuckle it under the long list of things

I do not allow myself to need.

You said you were

Seeing me everywhere,

But I wish you weren’t,

Wish noone could see my set jaw

And the quietness I cannot hide

When the world does not bend.

There is an hour before

Some meeting I set to measure the time

Before someone else decides it is time to move

And fight and I will not drink,

Because drinking is a valve,

And I will not watch tv,

Because tv is a blindfold,

And I will not sleep,

Because I cannot sleep.

There is nothing to do,

Nothing, I am ashamed,

 and you are in the old streets

playing soccer with children, reconnecting to

an old soul that lives in your gut,

part of you is getting healthy

without me

And the sickness is I am glad.